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Ah yes! British comedy at its best. I'll be adding a lot more of these as I come accross them. Sit back and have a laugh :)

Absolutely Fabulous

"Had two husbands, one was too short, one was gay. Still sweetie if you want to know how to peck a dwarf on the cheek as he's walking out of the house to the disco in your dress, then I'm your girl." -- Eddie (Absolutely Fabulous)

Rowan Atkinson

"I'd like to announce my retirement from the acting profession, to pursue a lifetime of work with the mentally handicapped. In this capacity I look forward to meeting all the members of the JUDGING PANEL very soon!" -- From "The Good Loser" skit.

"Well sir, recently Tommy's behavior has left a little to be desired. He seems to take no interest in school life WHATsoever, and it's been weeks since any master has recieved any written work from him. ((There is a long pause)) "Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he weren't DEAD, I'd have him expelled." -- From the "School" skit.

Blackadder

"Baldrick, you wouldn't recognize a cunning plan if it painted itself purple, danced on a harpsycord and sang: 'Cunning plans are here again'." -- Edmund Blackadder (Blackadder III)

"The only way you'll be getting a messy wet kiss is if you're passing a water closet." -- Edmund Blackadder (Blackadder III)

"There once was a little sausage named Baldrick,and he lived happily ever after. The End." -- Baldrick (Blackadder III)

"Permission to write home immediately sir!! That's the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had! For centuries we've tried, and they've always turned out to be total pig-swill!" -- Corporal Baldrick (Blackadder Goes Fourth)

Monty Python

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal, food trough wipe. I fart in your general direction, your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberries." -- Frenchman (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

Red Dwarf

"Mankind hasn't even got the technology to create a toopee that doesn't get big laughs." -- Dave Lister

Young Ones

"Get out of jail free: You may keep this card, sell it, or stick it up Rick's bottom"! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!" -- Rick, after room-mate Vyvyan changes monopoly cards

"Look! Watch my trick, you bastards, or I'll kill you!" -- Vyvyan
(VYVYAN slices off his "fake finger" with a knife, but it's a real finger he hits, and blood starts spewing out.)

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